The past few weeks

The past few weeks have been some of the hardest in my life.

(This post may be considered somewhat "graphic" by some. Read at your own risk!)

To find out we were going to have a baby was amazing and changed our whole mind-set on our next year.

Next, bleeding started as I was in a computer training class for work. I will never forget this moment and tears immediately started flowing as I knew there was possibility of miscarriage. It wasn't just "spotting", more like "dripping"...(TMI?) :) I called my husband immediately in the bathroom, then my good friend Kim, then my doctor. They told me to go to the ER. In the ER I was bleeding and sent to ultrasound. The baby looked great we were told! Measuring around 7 wks., which was my estimate exactly! The heartbeat was 110. However, there was a small subchorionic bleed. That was what was causing the bleeding. I was sent home and told to "take it easy" for a few days. I had 5 days off work which was perfect. I was not able to run anymore, so that was a huge adjustment. My life was now completely different than it was just 1 week ago. So strange.

Exactly 1 week later, I started hemorrhaging around 3am. It was waaaay worse than last time. I called the Nurse Advice line for some reason, maybe to wish she would say it's ok and not to worry. However she told me to go to the ER now. I started getting dizzy and lightheaded and don't know if it was from blood loss or anxiety.

We arrived at the ER. They were waiting for me at the door with a wheelchair. They already had my name and what I was there for, which was amazing. I kinda like that Nurse Advice line after all.

We were taken back to a room quickly and the nurses and doctors witnessed how much blood I was really losing. I don't think they believed me at first. Hello! I didn't come to the ER in the middle of the night for a little bit of spotting! When I delivered my daughter, I had postpartum hemorrhage severely. Medications and uterine massage didn't work. 5 units of blood, 2 units of fresh frozen plasma, and 2 units of platelets were literally pushed in quickly and I was taken to surgery to stop the bleeding. Because of that, I have almost no veins left in my left arm! That to date, was my most frightening experience of my life. This now tops that.

The doctor did an ultrasound and the baby's heartbeat was great. 140's. The baby looked great again. However, this time I almost passed out. The room got fuzzy and my vision was black. I couldn't breathe. My amazing husband rushed out and got the doctor. My ER doctor and nurses were great and came in quickly. I was put in trendelenburg and given oxygen and pain medication because I was in severe pain also at this time! My blood pressure dropped. All of this was happening as my poor little girl sat in the corner chair and watched. During this time, my best friend Steph showed up to take care of my precious daughter. Let me remind you, this was 4:30 AM. Everyone was so tired. I hated that Caitlyn had to see all of this.

I was soon sent home and told to return if the bleeding worsened. I was nervous.

I was sick the entire way home. I got home and called work, obviously I wouldn't be going in that day. I got up and went to the bathroom and all of a sudden started gushing blood. Back to the ER we went.

This ER visit wasn't as great starting off. They didn't take me seriously at all. I asked for a CBC. They said it wasn't necessary. I explained to them how badly I was bleeding. They still didn't believe me. The doctor did a pelvic exam. I saw the look on her face. She couldn't believe how much blood she was seeing. Finally she believed me. Ordered a stat CBC, IV, fluids, pain meds, ultrasound. I was hurting in a way I have never hurt before. I don't remember labor and delivery hurting this bad! She ran out of things to collect the blood with so she stopped. She had put a trash can below me to catch the rest of the bleeding. Gross. My poor husband had to witness all of this. He is so amazing, never leaving my side for a second. My BFF, Steph, was there for a lot of this as well. So grateful for that. However, she was moving across the country to Cali in 2 days. Again, the ultrasound showed baby's heartbeat at 161, everything looked great. Except...the subchorionic bleed had gotten much larger. I was put on bed rest, had a catheter, IV fluids, and admitted to the hospital for observation. I couldn't go home bleeding like that! I never should have left the 1st time.

We went home the next day. I was now on bed rest "until further notice." My husband did all of the laundry, dishes, cleaning around the house. My awesome book study girls started bringing meals. Praise the Lord for everyone in my life.

We made a trip to the doctor on Tuesday, June 1st. As you saw in my previous post, it was not good news. We saw the doctor searching and searching for that little heartbeat. It wasn't there this time. We always had this in the back of our minds as a possibility. We just prayed it wouldn't be true. However, we know we cannot (nor do we want to) change God's will. The bleed within the uterus had taken over. The placenta was sheared away from it's attachment to the wall. It was no longer attached. The bleeding was completely crowding the baby and everything in there. I was scheduled for a D&C that day.

We took Caitlyn to a friend's house. We love this family, Stephanie and Chad, and are so grateful for all they have done for us! They are such a godly family and take Caitlyn in as their own. We thank God for them.

We went in for surgery at 3pm. My parents were out of town, unable to be there. My dear friend, Sarah, was there to stay with us during pre-op, sat with Brandon during surgery, and was right there when I was waking up. What a blessing!!! I know my husband is strong, and could've been alone and handled it just fine. But, it meant so much to me to have Sarah there just for support. This was one of the hardest times in my life to date....it felt so comforting to have two of the most important people in my life right there with me. Sarah helped me post op, thank God I have a nurse friend! :) She knew my needs before I did and handled everything like she does this everyday. Wait, she DOES do this everyday! :)
My hubby could now be a nurse. He has done so much for me that I'm sure no one else has done for their wife in their first year of marriage! This devotion below was our guide for this eventful, stressful day. It's from the book "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Brandon received this book from a coworker who saw his love for God and we have been so blessed by this.




Sarah stayed until we left. I was sick on the way home. Thank God for those little puke bags they give you! We made it home and went to bed. Life was still on hold, no running, no working, no nothing.... I was fine Wednesday and so grateful for meals being brought to us. Such a blessing. Physical and emotional healing had now begun.

I am so thankful for all the blessings God has given us. My husband is more than I could have ever asked for, more than I could have ever imagined. God knows the desires of our hearts and He provides always. My family and friends are amazing and I thank God so much for all of them.

Your prayers are so healing and I know God listens.

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Psalm 147:3

Thursday began as a normal day. But what happens next is in the blog next to come...